Archive for ‘2004’

All the feminists can say God is a woman if they want to, but I'm not buying it. Average lifespan for a woman is years longer than man's but so what. Look at what we get saddled with in exchange. Since the average age to start is 12 and the average age for menopause is 51, that means we spend more years cramping than not. NO woman thought this up. God is definitely a man. You want further proof - ok, childbirth. No female all-powerful deity would have created our current system. You women, you have a clue. Men, go to the supermarket and buy the biggest watermelon you can find. Since you men are so fond of duct tape, go find your roll. Duct tape the watermelon to your belly and wear it 24x7 for 9 months. If it starts getting mushy, go get another watermelon.

Now for the second part - the discomforts of pregnancy. Find someone, preferably someone who doesn't like you, and arrange for them to kick you in the nuts once a day. This will substitute nicely for the extra painful (fill in the body part 'o the day). Now go out in to the garage and find that 5HP air compressor that you just HAD to have even though the most important thing you've aired up in past year is some kid's soccer ball. Shove the air hose up your butt and fire up the compressor. Now you're beginning to get an idea of the digestive discomforts of the "expectant mother".

Phase 3 mood swings and other lovely things - Find a local vet and go there once a day. Make sure they use the largest needle they can find, or special order something just for you, when they do this to simulate all the crap that the OB/GYN does. Have them shoot you up with some random hormone every day for 9 months. It doesn't matter which one and for the most realistic effect, there shouldn't be any pattern to it. Fact is, its the only way you men will ever find out what it's like short of a head injury and this isn't about doing permanenet damage to yourself.

Well, now this is a first. It's the beginning of something and not the end of something. That is unusal for me. I wear my namesake's epithet well. Morrighu is the Goddess of Battle and Strife and like her I am also a red head. I have a catty sense of humor and nothing is sacred unless I think it has earned the right to be so. Since this relatively anonymous and I don't have to live in the same house with anyone who reads this (at least I hope not), I can say what I want to. Like the TV show, Outer Limits, you are under my control.